Easing God Out – “ego”

In short dictinary.com sais:

Defiance is a daring or bold resistance to authority or to any opposing force.

This single word has been my downfall for many of years. It is, just a word but action proceeds from thoughts. This addict, my ego, and pride have been a devastating part of my life.

Over the past 16 years give or take this word “authority” has always been an obstacle. I’ve always looked for a way around, lets say people who were trying to I thought control my life, so it seemed.

Unknown to my knowledge at the time “authority” was placed in life for a reason.

It was many years until fighting seemed like a waste of time. It truly was. The fight was rigged so I couldn’t ever win. 

Throwing in the towel has given me more strength than I could ever imagine. It truly is a paradox, but the fact of the matter is strength comes through humility.

Today defiance is not an option. Humility is a choice, and for this addict there’s no other way to live and be happy..

Broken hearted

I wanna write about something I just went through. I have a lot of forgiving to do which may not seem big but to me it is and I can’t let these resentments eat me up.

I’m doing what I have to do to stay in recovery from heroin. Every single day is a struggle to not just live but to live righteously. My God my Jesus is with me every step of the way.

I didn’t necessarily want to but after a 4 month relationship with a girl I really had to let go. I made many mistakes which I pray I’ll one day be able to reconcile but my heart weighs heavy tonight because of my choice.

I take things to the extreme and I need balance in my life today

My son needs all the attention a father can give and a relationship with a woman has to be my last priority. She was a good woman. She put up with a lot. It’s just the best right now for my sanity and hers.

1.Jesus 2.Recovery 3.My son 4.Family

5. Everyone else 6.Myself

I screwed up enough in my life. I don’t wanna hurt those closest to me anymore.

Press On

Have you given up? Have you ever gave up on yourself?

If your anything like me the answer is YES with capital letters.

Someone once informed me that I don’t have to live like that anymore. I have a choice today.

I’ve been through thick and thin. Ive been to the top to just fall down again, but for this addict and alcoholic I’ve always been given another chance. 

The only reason I firmly believe I’m still here is because of the grace and mercy God has shown me. It surely is not anything I’ve done. If it was up to me I’d be long gone already.

It’s easy to let my mind wander and focus on the negative impact my life has had on myself and those around me, but what good does that do? Does it help me stay clean and sober? Do those negative thoughts or pity parties help those around me? NO, and if your anything like me it doesn’t matter sometimes. Sad but true.

My addiction wants me and those around me to suffer.

My way sucks, but Gods way has always proven itself to work. 

Today I want to live Gods way. Pressing on and keeping my faith strong in Him. Taking the love He blesses me with and sharing it with those closest around me. Staying positive in times of heart ache and no matter what asking His forgiveness when I stumble and fall. Always to dust myself off and try again.

Have faith in Him and accept the love and fellowship around you today, don’t push people away because we’ve done enough damage. Love your neighbor as you want to be loved.

Why is it so difficult?

Waking up everyday is a blessing but why must this life be filled with so much grief.

It’s humorous if you think about it though. Myself I make my own life more strenuous. Why? Is it my sinful nature? That’s what my conclusion is.

Apart from my higher power I’m lost and beaten. 

I’ve practiced for a life time the things which I shouldn’t do but I complain about why I am the way I am. That’s called stupidity.

I’m like a sheep. When my sheeplike ways start consuming me with stupidity the Good Shepherd breaks my leg.

The greatest portion of having my metaphoric leg broken is that the Good Shepherd nurses me back to health, why, because He loves me.

Lo’ the struggle…

…Today I woke up to being told to leave from a place I was invited because of a physical altercation between a female we shall name her Sandy. Sandy is my girlfriend’s sister; Steph my girlfriend…

Being stuck in gook from the very morning is no way to start my morning. My castaways of dark edges are sharpening and they have been sharpened to lacerate…

The people closest to me always get burdened because of this me. Steph always said she don’t care but she has acted well thus far. My life has taken a turn and I hope for the best.

It seems that the night after emotions running rampant has settled down. I’ll admit my faults and people pleasing surly is up there. She didn’t deserve that from me. To be continued…

All ways do what’s right don’t give up the fight. “Hope and faith”